I am The Peninsula Mumma – but I’m definitely not your typical “mumsy mum”. And by that I mean I was never really sure I wanted kids. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it…but I thought about it in the same way I thought about one day maybe running a marathon. To be clear I haven’t run a marathon – I also run a little like a duck with my feet going out in funny angles. Thinking about it, I will probably parent just as I run. Awkwardly.

But here I am – balls deep in pregnancy, ecstatic about it but with no real knowledge of anything to do with babies. The one thought I cling to is that I have raised an extremely obedient and amazing dog with the help of my husband. So really, what’s the difference? Actually I can answer my own question there. The main difference is that when Yogi (our 6yr old German Shepherd) is frustrating me I can put him outside…I know that if I do that with a baby it’s frowned upon. I have also always loved dogs, but children? Well…not so much. Firstly I’ve never held a newborn properly or I have palmed it off to someone else in a matter of seconds. I mean, their head just flops around everywhere! I panic thinking I’ll put it in an awkward position & damage it for life. No. Just no. Newborns aren’t for me. I look at Newborns the same way I look at expensive things in expensive shops – they look great but I’m never going to fucking touch it in case the “you break you buy” rule comes into effect.

Then they get to that age where they can hold themselves up, and that’s not too bad – you just have to make sure:

• Your hair is up so they don’t grab it with all their might and give you a bald patch, those little fuckers are A LOT stronger then they look!
• No jewellery is to be worn so they don’t a) choke you b) break your favourite earrings and/or necklace within a matter of seconds or c) tangle themselves up in it so even when you try like God Almighty to break free of them they are chained to you for life!
• You also cant wear anything that’s not from Cotton On or Target, because if the baby knows that your outfit cost more than $20 they will drool on you & you have to act like everything’s fine but deep down you know that little turd did it on purpose.

What comes next? Ahhh yes, the Toddler phase – I do well with toddlers, unless their runny noses connect with their mouth & they have that weird white flakey moustache thing going on…I just cant deal with that.

I mean Fuck, the only people younger than me that I really connect with are teenagers at work because being their manager I tell them what to do & they either follow my instructions or they don’t & in that case I never have to see them again.

So…that’s me, The Peninsula Mumma, 21weeks pregnant, never changed a nappy or fed a child in my life & yet I cannot wait to have a little disaster of my own anyway. I’m hoping this parenting thing is just one of those situations where you cross your fingers and hope for the best – coz that’s really the only thing I’m doing right now!