How To Throw A Baby Shower When They Freak You Out

Not gunna lie – Baby Showers have always scared the fuck outta me. I’m usually sweating when I arrive at one. So the thought of having my own Baby Shower was something that literally terrified me. Why you may ask? Because when it comes to pregnancy, children, labour, anything do to with that stuff – I’ve always felt extremely out of my depth. And I don’t like doing things that I’m not good at, so to be the center of attention at an event for literally all the things that I don’t know about just freaked me out. Plus, I only like to play games I’m good at because I’m highly competitive, so when it comes to games involving dolls & nappies I don’t do very well. The only Baby Shower game I seem to excel at is the one where you get all those photos of women & you have to guess if it’s a photo of a woman in a porno or if it’s a photo of a woman giving birth…for some reason I tend to win that one…

So – I decided that I wanted a joint Baby Shower with my husband. I wanted to celebrate it with all of our friends, family & the little kids already in our lives. I didn’t want to play any games, I just wanted it to be a very laid back celebration of the little soul we had created. And so that’s what we did – in the Best Man speech at our wedding he said “look what can be accomplished when Brad is ignored.” – this statement was also true about our Baby Shower.

The invite was in the form of a text message. Not even a picture message, just your average text with the date, time & venue. I think that set the tone for the whole thing! Brad was a little bit mortified with that style of invite but to me, I was kinda just like fuck it – its fine!

No one really “threw” the Shower for us. Our family made the food, some of our friends helped us set up on the day but other than that I pretty much organised it. I’m a great delegator you see, it is a very hefty strength of mine. Although, in saying that, I do now understand why pregnant women don’t throw their own Baby Showers. I forgot things like cutlery, I had to make list upon list of everything so I remembered what I was actually suppose to be doing on what days. I was exhausted, my cankles were starting to form & the long fuse I had developed during pregnancy was definitely a lot shorter than normal.

Am I the only one that gets severe anxiety the day of their party? All I kept thinking was “what if no one turns up?” I rang my girlfriend and told her this, her reply was pretty fucking brilliant. She said – “well, if no one turns up its just gunna be me, you & 120 Nutella Donuts…” I realised that was a pretty good Plan B.

We had our Baby Shower in my parents backyard, seating consisted of hay bails & we had huge rugs laid out with pillows scattered around. Food was three different types of baguettes, mini quiche, homemade Dip with celery & carrots (which my older sister, who is not at all domesticated cut up – go you good thing!), a lolly bar, popcorn & our famous Nutella Donuts. I tell ya – it pays to know people who own the best bakery on the Mornington Peninsula #thanksmumanddad

It honestly was a fantastic day, one that was perfect for us. I think that’s the key in all of this, we did what was right for us. So that’s the advice I would give any mother to be who is thinking about their Baby Shower – do what will make you happy.

I can’t thank everyone enough for your well wishes, support, help, presents & really giving us the greatest gift of all – being happy for us.

Love,

The Peninsula Mumma xo

Birthing Classes – Yay or Nay?

Just in case you’re not aware, I am not a naturally “calm” person. I’m not hyperactive or anything, but I don’t regularly engage in meditation, yoga or any of that “get in touch with your inner soul” kinda shit. So when friends of ours encouraged us to do Calm Birth Classes I was somewhat sceptical. But hey, “why not?” I thought, and so I enrolled my husband & I in a weekend intensive.

Going into that specific weekend I knew next to nothing about labour & birth. To be honest, it was only a few years ago that I learnt that the placenta actually has to come out post labour…that was a fun fact I’d never heard before! I didn’t really want to know much about it, everything I’d seen, everything I’d heard, it was just a really painful shit experience but you know, you got your kid at the end of it so yay for you! I didn’t really know what to expect out of these classes, I didn’t know if we’d just sit in a circle on the floor doing different breathing exercises whilst our partners would sit behind us and encourage – or if we were just going to watch videos of women giving birth from different angles and had to take notes. Thank FUCK it was NOTHING like what I thought.

On the Saturday, I actually went with my Mum because my husband was playing cricket…yep…cricket…bastard…ANYWAY – every other pregnant woman was there with her husband or partner, I could feel people looking at me with my Mum, possibly thinking I was the young pregnant girl who’s baby Daddy didn’t want anything to do with the baby and who’d obviously left me to raise this child on my own (I can get a little dramatic at times). When we went round & introduced ourselves, I was quick to point out that Brad was playing cricket, this was met with mixed reactions, most of the men laughed & one even turned to his pregnant wife & said “see? I told you I could have just played & come tomorrow!” the look she gave him shut him down. Hard.

I won’t go into detail about what we learnt because I am not a professional, nor do I have any experience in giving birth BUT I will say this; It was an amazing weekend! Seriously, I have come out of it with SO much information & such a new perspective on labour. Yes, we did meditate, yes we did breathing exercises but you know what? The best part was that our teacher also taught us WHY meditation was important, WHY staying calm was important, WHY breathing was important. She was able to back up all these things with not only medical facts but also anecdotes from her career as a midwife, which directly related to each new thing we learnt. Knowledge really is power, and fuck me this woman was powerful.

The whole weekend calmed me. I seriously thought the only way to get through labour was through gritted teeth & howling in pain. I am now excited for it! I’m excited for the challenge, I’m excited to meet my baby at the end of it, I’m excited to try and implement what we learnt & I also trust that the midwives & Obstetricians that will surround me will help me through. I am also a lot more aware of problematic situations that could arise & know a little about what may happen with a few scenarios so I’m not going in there with my eyes shut. I know, I know – its still gunna hurt like hell & it might not go at all to “plan” but wouldn’t it be better for me (or anyone) to go in with a positive attitude than go in already feeling scared & anxious?

The other awesome thing about that weekend was that Brad got SO much out of it as well. He loved it, he loved learning about it all & he loved learning about what he could do for me. Again, this was OUR experience & everyone’s experience may differ but for us, it was incredible & I am so thankful for it.

So – if anyone is thinking of doing Calm Birth Classes, personally, I would HIGHLY recommend them. Also, if you live near the Mornington Peninsula & you’re interested in who we went to, get in contact & I can share her website with you.

Love,

The Peninsula Mumma xo

Brazilians & Sex…To The Glucose Test

First things first, I got a Brazilian at 27weeks pregnant. If you have never had a Brazilian whilst 27 weeks pregnant you can NOT talk to me about the pain waxing causes. In fact, you have never had a Brazilian at 27 weeks pregnant just don’t talk to me about pain – at all. Now, I’ve been getting Brazilian’s for more than 12years – I know they aren’t pleasant, its not like you walk into the salon excited for your beautician to pour hot wax over your vagina & then rip your pubic hair off. Well, in saying that, I personally don’t see that as a pleasurable experience but hey, some of you might & I don’t judge. Good for you! BUT, nothing could have prepared me for this. You know how the most sensitive spot is in the middle just above your flaps? Well, that’s what it felt like but EVERYWHERE!

Do I love my Brazilian? Yes. Am I booked in for another one in a month’s time? Yes. Was it worth being able to go on holidays & wear a bikini whilst not scaring other beach goers into thinking my groin was being attacked by my own pubic hair? Yes.  I would also like to take this moment to congratulate my waxing lady because she was amazing – I was not coping AT ALL, and the gorgeous woman let me breath it out, she got it done as quickly & (I dare say) as pain-free as possible. She was witty & smart & kept me motivated throughout our joint ordeal. I have a connection with her now that can never be broken, a bond forged in wax & pubic hair. When I came home & got into the bathroom I had a quick look (because I am now at the stage where the only way I can see my vagina is in the mirror) & she’d done an impeccable job! Side note – who knew that that dark line on your baby bump went ALL THE WAY DOWN?! You learn something new every day!

I also went & had the dreaded Glucose Test. I’d heard it was going to be awful & so I mentally prepared myself for having to down like a litre of feral, thick, room temperature liquid…You can imagine my surprise when the lovely nurse pulled out a 300ml cold bottle of what resembled water! I had to ask her if this was just the first bottle I had to down & how many more were coming after. She informed me that this was it. So, I took the plunge & had my first sip…now ladies, I like sweets, like, I REALLY fucking like sweets so this drink to me just tasted like I’d put a little too much cordial in my drink but I’d decided to drink anyway! I can’t say I “enjoyed” it, but if I had to do it again I wouldn’t mind. Its like my whole strong cordial consuming life had been a training ground for this moment & bitches I fucking OWNED it! I mean, hey, I felt a bit sick after & extremely lethargic but did it stop me getting a smoothie & going shopping on the way home? Nope. In saying that – my girlfriend had to do hers the other day & she ended up vomiting all over herself in her car so…I guess that can happen too…she obviously hadn’t done her cordial training like me though.

Lets talk about being pregnant and having sex shall we? I’m sure my husband (who is extremely private) wont mind! #sorrybabe

But anyway! First trimester? It was a no. It was a “DON’T FUCKING TOUCH ME I FEEL SICK AND IF YOU TOUCH ME I WILL VOMIT ON YOU! YOU DID THIS TO ME SO GET AWAY FROM ME” – kinda vibe. Looking back, I feel sorry for the poor guy, I don’t even think he WANTED to have sex with me, I think he was just trying to cuddle and comfort me, so I’m not sure if he warranted my aggressive response. He never complained though, or even yelled back at me, he would just smile and say “I’m sorry babe, I love you.” He is the sweetest thing I tell you, I’m not quite sure why he is with me sometimes.

Second trimester – For the most part I was all for it! I couldn’t get enough of it! I just loved being close to him & I loved not feeling nauseous so that we could celebrate this amazing time in our lives. UNTIL…that fateful time where my husband and I were having an intimate moment & I felt our baby kick. It was an odd sensation to say the least, but that was it, the moment of sex had died. I’m one of those people who has to put our dog outside if we are having some “adult cuddles” as my Mum used to say, so you can imagine my surprise, shock , alarm & anxiety when I felt my child move, whilst looking directly into my husbands eyes whilst he was on top of me…no words people, no words.

Third trimester – well, I’m only a few weeks in so I can’t really say for sure what its going to be like sex wise but hey, I’ll keep you posted!

Love,                                                                                                                                            The Peninsula Mumma xo

From a Bunch of Banana’s to my Birth Plan

So, the highlight of my week are Mondays. Why you may ask? Because Mondays are my roll over day to the next week of pregnancy you see. My pregnancy app updates to a new week and tells me different things about what my little parasite is up to, what bodily changes I can expect that week and (my favourite) compares babies size to fruit and vegies. I can’t tell you how much joy I get out of that comparison, I’m not sure why and it could just be me, but fuck I look forward to that every bloody week. Here’s the frustrating thing though, last week it said baby was the size of a Butternut Squash and this week it says its now the size of a Bunch of Banana’s…sometimes I feel like I get a bit ripped off, like how many banana’s make up a bunch mate? Pretty sure I liked it being the size of a Butternut Squash actually. Fucking “Bunch of Bananas” is bullshit!

Fun fact – my app also told me to look out because I could start lactating – yay. So obviously I am paranoid about leakage. Thanks Ovia – great tip there. I’m also at a stage where walking up a flight of stairs is something I consider as my “daily cardio.” Although not fully constipated, I do get quite a significant amount of joy when I get that feeling of needing to go do #2’s & it ends up being a very quick and pleasurable experience. #thanksbran

My body has now become addicted to sugar. I’m not sure if this is pregnancy related or just due to the fact that being this time of year, I have eaten my body wait in Ferrero Rocher’s and now my brain just expects its daily intake. I looked in the mirror the other day and said to my husband “babe, I think I’m getting fatter,” he responded with “yeah you are starting to resemble a Ferrero Rocher now.” I would not advice any husbands to tell their pregnant wives that they resemble a Ferrero Rocher. I did not take this as a compliment. I don’t think anyone can take that as a compliment.

Because I look pregnant now, I’ve also started to hear the labour stories of complete strangers. They have ranged from the incredible & joyous to the horrendous & inexplicably painful. I’m hoping mine will be somewhere towards the “joyous.” I’m not quite sure how hearing all of these stories has made me feel. I know mine will be just that: mine, and that you can’t go off anyone else’s experience because your body will react in a unique way. I do however like to concentrate on the fact that I’m not the only woman that has to give birth and that there have been quite a few other women who have gone through it before me – some even under tree’s or in the desert & they’ve done just fine. I have also watched the only video I need to watch about childbirth. It was a 3minute nicely animated video on Facebook with a calm UK woman speaking about the different stages of birth and what the baby & your body does. That’s enough for me. No “One Born Every Minute” necessary thank-you. I don’t need to see other women screaming in pain, that’s not going to help me. I did also watch that movie where the lady just sneezed and the baby came out – if possible I’d like to order one of those births thanks.

I’ve decided not to go in with a “birthing plan.” Not for any other reason than I know myself & I know I like plans, I like them a lot. BUT – and this is a big BUT – if I type out a nice plan & things start going OFF the plan I’ll freak the fuck out. So…I’ve decided my only plan is this: go in, do what needs to be done, try not to want the drugs, try for a natural vaginal birth, do what the midwives tell me, do what’s best for myself and my baby. Simple yet I believe effective. My whole belief about birth (coming from someone who hasn’t been through it of course) is do what’s right for you, have whomever you need in the room, don’t be afraid to ask for what you want & listen to the professionals. My Mum loves telling the story of how she was in labour and my Dad was sitting on a chair in the corner eating sandwiches. She tells this story with a lot of gusto whilst my Dad always replies with “it didn’t look that bad.” I can tell you right now, if anyone is getting a sandwich it will be me, if anyone is sitting down, it will be me, and if Brad even slightly believes at any point that labour isn’t “that bad” I’m going to grab an IV drip and stick it in his neck. Lets just blame that last sentence on the hormones shall we?

Love,

The Peninsula Mumma xo

The Ramblings of a 25wk Pregnant Lady

I’ve started to waddle. I swear to GOD I’ve started to waddle. I also feel like I’ve been kicked in the vagina, like, not a little kick – I’m talking about a fully grown AFL size male has kicked my vagina instead of a footy kinda kick. I can’t have cordial anymore because it gives me heartburn & I am trying to eat a balanced diet but all I want is the same foods every day. My hips ache when I sleep & sometimes I will randomly wake up at 3am thinking about how the fuck I’m suppose to breastfeed, when I doubt my newborn could get their lips around my now incredibly large nipples. These are the types of thoughts that have come into my brain this week. These are the ramblings of a 25wk pregnant lady…and there’s more!

Did you know that when you reach 25weeks you only have 15 weeks to go until your due date? That’s 15 Fridays. 15 FUCKING FRIDAYS! That is NOT a lot of Fridays. I swear the first 12weeks goes so slow, all you think about is reaching that milestone and every day just drags on…but after that? It flies. Like, say goodbye to feeling “prepared” or thinking you “have time” because you don’t. Soon enough you’ll be at your 20wk scan seeing baby look all human like & kicking away, next second you’re me and HAVE 15 FRIDAYS UNTIL YOUR DUE! FUCK!

Also – how can my boobs get any bigger? I’m pretty sure they don’t even hold milk yet, but I’ve already gone up 3 sizes. I am now an E cup…and for someone who started out as a modest C cup this is a whole new thing. My back is starting to hurt a little from them, honestly, those ladies who are naturally blessed with bigger titties I take my hat off to you! Well done for living with these two mountains protruding from your chest! Well done I say!

I’ve never been a big crier. But guess what? I am now. Its my new party trick. I can just burst into tears & it doesn’t matter where I am, who I’m with or what I’m doing. My crying does not discriminate between a good or bad time, it has a mind of its own. And its not like I’m crying because I’m upset, no, it can be when I see a funny meme on Facebook or simply when I’m watching a commercial on TV. I also feel things a lot more…for instance, I served a lady at work the other day who told me her house had just burnt down…I carried that heavily the whole day & when I get home I burst into tears, put my hands and face up against a wall and whispered “thank you for not burning down.” I was just overwhelmed by this lady not being in her home for Christmas that it made me realise how lucky I was in my non-burnt home.

I also sneezed and pissed myself a little. I said I would be honest. This is me being honest.

The positives about being 25wks pregnant? I actually look pregnant now which is amazing. From 12 to around 23weeks I just looked like I’d already eaten our Christmas ham. I didn’t feel comfortable wearing tight things because I felt like people would look at my belly and just think “oh dear – she let herself go.” I also hated wearing baggy clothes because it just made me look like a rectangle. And although I love rectangles (because that’s the shape cakes, mars bars & tasty cheese blocks are) I did not want to resemble a rectangle. So, now that I’ve moved past that stage I have this incredible little baby bump sticking out for all the world to see & it feels incredible.

What else? You feel your own little parasite kicking & so can other people! It is the BEST! I’d say it’s even better than not being constipated anymore & that’s a big bloody statement. I still cant quite wrap my head around the fact that there is a human living inside of me & this human can now hear my voice, is the size of a baseball glove and also (something we learned at our 20wk scan) has a head circumference of 18.6cm. I still don’t quite know how to feel about that last piece of information but all I know is that baby has 15 Fridays left to grow.

Love,

The Peninsula Mumma x

The Things I’ve Only Found Out About Pregnancy From Actually Being Pregnant

First things first – why the FUCK do they call it “morning sickness”? This is not, in any way, shape or form an adequate description of the absolute head pounding, life debilitating “sickness” I experienced. And you want to know a fun fact? IT DOESN’T JUST HAPPEN IN THE MORNING! IT HAPPENS ALL DAY…EVERY DAY…FOR A LONG PERIOD OF TIME! Who knew?! Because they sure as hell kept that pretty bloody quiet! Some women deal with this for the whole 9 yards & to you ladies I say you are the unsung heroes of our race. I could barely do it for 7weeks! It was like having the worst hang over ever coupled with food poisoning, consistently & constantly for around 49 days – it felt a lot longer than 49 days – it felt like a lifetime. And yes, its worth it, absolutely it is, I wouldn’t change it for the world because to me it signalled that my body was doing shit it never had done before, but it doesn’t mean it was easy. In no way was that fucking “easy.” It got to a point where I forgot what being un-nauseated felt like. It makes you appreciate all those days and all those nights when you didn’t feel nauseous, that really, you took all of that time for granted. And yet – now being at a point where I can feel my baby kick its little limbs I can safely say I’d go through it all again…

Was I the only one not aware of the fact that your tummy gets hairy during pregnancy? I’ve got more hair on my tummy than my husband does on his lower back – and if you’ve seen my husbands lower back you’d know that’s no small feat.

When they say “drink around 600ml of water and then hold” so that your full bladder pushes your baby out a bit more for the ultrasound…Now, I knew this was a thing. What I didn’t know was how hard this was to achieve. Don’t get me wrong, I’ve drunk a lot in my life, I’ve also had to cross my legs and hold on until I found a bathroom (or a large bush) to go in. But I’m telling you, nothing prepares you for this mental challenge. Especially – ESPECIALLY – when the clinic is running 15minutes behind. Mate, I kid you not I thought I was going to die, I thought I was going to explode, I even started sweating! It was awful. It was painful. And then when we got in the room the lady declared I’d drank too much water and that I had to go to the bathroom, let “some” of it out & come back. Have you ever tried to only let “some” pee out? Because I’d never done that before. How much was too much? What if I peed it all out? What a task. What a fucking joke that was. Once I started peeing, the relief I felt was euphoric – followed closely by the panic of trying to stop mid-stream. They don’t teach you how to do that growing up…

I also didn’t know that constipation was involved. At around 13weeks I wasn’t sure if I was starting to show or if it was just the fact that I hadn’t released anything of substance for days on end. For anyone who suffers from constipation there’s no shits and giggles about it. Figuratively AND literally. So now, my daily diet consists of Metamucil tablets and my morning dose of All-Bran. Bran is now a staple in my diet. I can’t tell you how much I love bran.

Pregnancy Brain. Pregnancy Brain is a real thing. Like a legit (probably) science tested thing. For example: I was at work in my parents bakery (shout out to the French Bakehouse Mt Eliza) & a 50yr old male tradie got a pie, a donut & a Big M. Pretty standard stuff, right? We got to the transaction part of this encounter and I knew I needed to offer him a straw. Now, this is where “pregnancy brain” kicked in. I couldn’t remember the name for a “straw.” So, I looked at him, I asked “would you like one of those long black things to suck on?” whilst I mimicked running my hands up and down a straw. He looked at me blankly, I looked at him realising what the fuck I’d actually just said out loud & he calmly said “I’m hoping you mean a straw….?” #truestory #fml #neverunderestimatepregnancybrain

I’ve also learnt the utter happiness those first flutters bring, the excitement of going from looking like you’ve eaten 3 too many burgers to actually looking pregnant & all those other incredibly amazing moments, but I’d read about that, I knew those things would come…but for the more intimate details of pregnancy and mothering that I find out along the way for myself stay tuned!

Love,

The Peninsula Mumma x

Who Is The Peninsula Mumma?

I am The Peninsula Mumma – but I’m definitely not your typical “mumsy mum”. And by that I mean I was never really sure I wanted kids. Don’t get me wrong, I thought about it…but I thought about it in the same way I thought about one day maybe running a marathon. To be clear I haven’t run a marathon – I also run a little like a duck with my feet going out in funny angles. Thinking about it, I will probably parent just as I run. Awkwardly.

But here I am – balls deep in pregnancy, ecstatic about it but with no real knowledge of anything to do with babies. The one thought I cling to is that I have raised an extremely obedient and amazing dog with the help of my husband. So really, what’s the difference? Actually I can answer my own question there. The main difference is that when Yogi (our 6yr old German Shepherd) is frustrating me I can put him outside…I know that if I do that with a baby it’s frowned upon. I have also always loved dogs, but children? Well…not so much. Firstly I’ve never held a newborn properly or I have palmed it off to someone else in a matter of seconds. I mean, their head just flops around everywhere! I panic thinking I’ll put it in an awkward position & damage it for life. No. Just no. Newborns aren’t for me. I look at Newborns the same way I look at expensive things in expensive shops – they look great but I’m never going to fucking touch it in case the “you break you buy” rule comes into effect.

Then they get to that age where they can hold themselves up, and that’s not too bad – you just have to make sure:

  • Your hair is up so they don’t grab it with all their might and give you a bald patch, those little fuckers are A LOT stronger then they look!
  • No jewellery is to be worn so they don’t a) choke you b) break your favourite earrings and/or necklace within a matter of seconds or c) tangle themselves up in it so even when you try like God Almighty to break free of them they are chained to you for life!
  • You also cant wear anything that’s not from Cotton On or Target, because if the baby knows that your outfit cost more than $20 they will drool on you & you have to act like everything’s fine but deep down you know that little turd did it on purpose.

What comes next? Ahhh yes, the Toddler phase – I do well with toddlers, unless their runny noses connect with their mouth & they have that weird white flakey moustache thing going on…I just cant deal with that.

I mean Fuck, the only people younger than me that I really connect with are teenagers at work because being their manager I tell them what to do & they either follow my instructions or they don’t & in that case I never have to see them again.

So…that’s me, The Peninsula Mumma, 21weeks pregnant, never changed a nappy or fed a child in my life & yet I cannot wait to have a little disaster of my own anyway. I’m hoping this parenting thing is just one of those situations where you cross your fingers and hope for the best – coz that’s really the only thing I’m doing right now!