It’s hard writing this. It’s hard even thinking back to that period of my life but I know so many women go through this & I want those women to know they are not alone & that’s why I’m going to share my story.
Brad and I took our first step towards starting a family when we made the decision for me to go off contraception after our wedding. We were both in a place where we wanted to have children and at no point did we ever really have the thought of “could” we have children. We just thought that we would start trying & it would “happen.” You are told growing up that it only takes one time, that you have to be careful because you could get pregnant…I spent most of my life trying NOT to get pregnant & I can tell you right now that I never looked into HOW you get pregnant.
I downloaded an app & started tracking my periods, purely because my girlfriends told me to. I had no idea about fertile windows, I didn’t even understand what ovulation really was let alone when it was.
We decided to try & have a baby. We had sex when the app told us to. We fell pregnant that month. The first month of trying & I got the shock of my life when that second line appeared. I rang Brad straight away, I couldn’t wait for him to get home. Although I was happy, I did feel a sinking sensation…I was extremely overwhelmed & I did have thoughts of “do I really want this…?”
We told family straight away. We got a blood test done which came back great! We even told close friends! With every passing day I mapped out how I wanted the nursery, which pram I’d buy, what names I liked…
Three days before Christmas I started bleeding. On Christmas Eve we went in for a scan. They told us there was nothing they could do. They told us we were having a miscarriage. They told us my body was doing it naturally.
I don’t know how to explain my feelings. I felt broken. I felt that I had been broken into so many pieces that I wasn’t sure if I could put myself back together again.
I remember being in the shower, seeing the blood & thinking that I caused this. It must have been something I ate. It must have been something I did. It must have been because I wasn’t sure if I wanted this, that thinking that had caused my body to react like this. I just blamed myself. The tears came & didn’t go. The light inside of me that this little person had lit was now gone. That little soul was gone. My little soul was gone.
Christmas was excruciating. I pretended to be happy around my extended family – we were going to tell them we were pregnant at Christmas lunch. That had been ripped away from us. Instead, I now had to excuse myself, go to the bathroom, clean myself up & walk back out like nothing had happened. It was the biggest act I had ever put on in my life.
The following weeks I just stayed in bed. I didn’t want to see anyone. I didn’t want to do anything. I’d caused this, my body had failed me. I just spiralled.
After a couple months Brad & I decided to try again. From this point onwards I obsessed over it. I learnt all there was about fertility……..I bought ovulation kits & pregnancy tests. It was just a continuous roller coaster. That first week I would get my period & be shattered that we weren’t pregnant. Second week was us having sex even if we didn’t feel like it. Third week was me taking pregnancy test after pregnancy test. Nearly every time I went to the bathroom I would take a test. No one knew how obsessed I got. No one knew how much I started hating myself. No one knew how much I still blamed myself. No one knew how deeply I missed the little soul I never got to meet.
Life went on like this for awhile. I didn’t confide in anyone. I told most people that I believed everything that happened was meant to be somehow & that we were trying again but that it wasn’t on my mind that much. What a lie that was. It was on my mind, it never left my mind.
My close friend mentioned acupuncture had helped her get pregnant so I booked in to see Kirsten Wolfe. She specialised in fertility.
The first session I walked in & sat down. She said “Now Maggie tell me what’s up?” I cried. I just cried. This woman wasn’t in my circle, I didn’t have to hide anything from her. So that’s all I did for a long while, I just cried. I explained to her our situation, she explained to me how getting pregnant worked. She got me to start charting my basal body temperature, she said we would use these charts to help me get pregnant.
I saw Kirsten a lot. For me it wasn’t just about the acupuncture, it was having a person that I could speak to & be completely honest with. She knew all my pain, she knew all my doubts, she helped me find myself again. She helped me put the pieces of my heart back together.
I told her how I had stopped drinking, stopped gym, stopped eating out…I’d stopped it all just “in case” I got pregnant. I was scared of causing another miscarriage. Kirsten got me out of my anxiety. Through her I realised I’d actually stopped living. Through her I realised how obsessed I was. Through her I realised how unhealthy I was mentally.
I suffered another miscarriage during this time but I knew it wasn’t right. I’d gotten a positive pregnancy test but then the next day I got my period. It was an extremely faint positive when it should have been a strong positive as I was quite a few days past ovulation, so I knew it wasn’t meant to be.
The next month that came was July. I had one of my best friends 30th that month plus we were going to Port Douglas. I decided to just live. I went back to the gym. I drank. I ate what I wanted. We still had sex, but when we wanted to as well as when we knew we should. People had been telling me for months to do this, but it was like I needed to get there on my own & in my own time.
I took a pregnancy test the day of my girlfriends 30th. It was negative & for the first time I wasn’t upset. I was a little disappointed but I was able to breath. That night we got shit faced in Mornington like old times. We had shots, we danced, we laughed, we chucked up…it was epic. Brad & I got home, had 2hrs sleep & then headed to the airport for our holiday.
Port Douglas was incredible. Our days started with a big breakfast, followed by cocktails by the pool. We started drinking at 11am & didn’t stop. We enjoyed every single second. On the fourth day I realised I still hadn’t gotten my period. I didn’t think too much of it. We went into town, got quite drunk & I decided I wanted to buy a pregnancy test as well as Salt & Vinegar pringles. Off to Woolworths we went & back to the room after that.
I sat on the toilet. I couldn’t open the bloody pregnancy test because I was that drunk. I had to shut one eye just to see straight. I asked Brad to open the test for me. I peed on the test. I chucked it on the ground. I didn’t want to look at it. How stupid was I? Why did I want to take a test? It had been negative a few days before. I got up off the toilet leaving the test on the floor & sunk into the bed. Brad was watching NRL on the tv not paying any attention to what I was doing.
After about 5 minutes I went back into the bathroom, I mean, I may as well check the test…right…? I sat on the toilet & looked at it. There were two lines. TWO FUCKING LINES! I soboard up instantly. I screamed at Brad. He came in. He looked at it. He smiled. We were pregnant. We were pregnant with our son Jagger.
Getting pregnant is a journey for a lot of women. For those who are going through it, for those who have gone through it & to those who will go through it I feel you, I hear you & I stand with you.
Love,
The Peninsula Mumma xo
The Peninsula Mumma 