Who am I? I don’t recognise this person. The stretched skin. The leaking nipples. The engorged boobs. The clothes that just don’t fit. The copious amounts of hair that trail on the floor behind me. The dark circles under my eyes. The inability to do a gym session and not completely crumble at the end.
And it’s not just the physical person I don’t recognise it’s the mental one too. I couldn’t even tell you who I am anymore. That’s something I always prided myself on – I knew who I was. Now? I’m not quite sure…it’s like I’m the jigsaw and I’m trying to put pieces together that just won’t fit.
I never understood why Mums would say “my kids are my biggest achievement.” I just didn’t get it. Like, no, you didn’t DO that, you aren’t them, how can someone else be YOUR achievement? Ohhhh how much I didn’t understand. You put so much effort into them, you teach them to find their feet, to lay on their tummy, to notice the world around them…you give everything to them. But I’m at a point where I’m realising is giving everything to Jagger too much? Because what’s left for me? What’s left OF me?
I’m trying to find where I fit in. I can be surrounded by family, the ones who I love the most and still feel alone. If he cries I know how to settle him best. If he’s hungry he feeds better on me. Now, I love those things, I do – but they come with a cost. And the cost is something that only I feel. I couldn’t even put into words what it feels like. But it just does. And at times it can completely drain me of everything that I am.
I forget to eat sometimes. I forget what I’m doing, who I’m talking to and what day it is. He’s got my full attention for the better part of the day and I say his name more often than anything else. I think of his needs more often than anything else.
I used to look at Mums who said they “forgot about themselves” and I was like, how? What a lie. How can you forget about yourself? I also hated it when my Mum would tell me “you just won’t get it until your a Mum yourself.” No Mum, I’m an intelligent human being, I can understand it….HA! I look back on those comments and just laugh. It’s just one of those things you have to go through to understand. The scope of being a Mum is just too wide and too life changing to put into words.
So, now I’m here. 15weeks in and I’ve changed in more ways than I can count. I have to make a conscious effort to think about myself, to feed myself, to nurture myself and to be kind to myself. I feel like I have to learn who I now am at the same pace Jagger is learning about who he is. One thought at a time. One day at a time. One step at a time.
I’m learning that I need time away from him. I’m learning that that’s ok. I’m learning to deal with the guilt that just creeps up on you even when you least expect it. I’m learning that it’s ok not be ok, that asking for help doesn’t mean I’m failing. I’m learning that I have to still do things that I enjoy & that I don’t have to share those things with him. It’s ok not be ok. It’s ok to struggle, to cry and to feel empty. Because I WILL get there, I will.
It’s funny, I’ve never struggled so much before in my life but at the same time, I can honestly say, I’ve never felt so much love & happiness before. Each time he smiles, each time he laughs, each time he does something new it’s like the sun shines brighter. He makes my world brighter.
He’s the reason I exist. He’s changed my core & my soul. And when your soul changes it’s ok to be confused, I think. It’s ok to feel a sense of self loss…because you have lost something, you’ve lost who you once were but my god how much have you gained? And I’ve gained so fucking much. I guess the trick is just figuring out where to put it & how it fits with the rest of me. I’m playing a game of Tetris with pieces of me. I was never good at that game…but I know I’ll get there, I know I’ll learn…just like Jagger…one step at a time, one roll at a time, one grab at a time.
The Peninsula Mumma x