6months & balls deep into motherhood & I’m pretty sure I’m suppose to know what Jaggers different “cries” mean but I don’t. Still googling daily but now it’s just after the fact because the lack of sleep makes my brain function on a slower/lower level. For example, I gave Jagger a piece of orange to suck on and THEN googled if it was ok – turns out they don’t recommend giving babies citrus fruit till they are 12months old due to the acidity levels…soz mate, my #mumbad

6months & balls deep into sleep deprivation. Fun fact – they use sleep deprivation as a means of torture…did you know that? TORTURE! I get it though, some nights I think about maybe getting “accidentally” hit by a bus so I can spend a night in hospital…in my own room…by myself…and when I say “hit by a bus” I’m talking only a little bit hit, like maybe needing a neck brace for a couple weeks and a broken bone, not like getting hit by a double decker and going into a coma…actually…a coma could be nice, I could be asleep for days…

6months & balls deep into my husband and I having marital problems. Not huge ones. I still love him. Most of the time. He is supportive, I’ll give him that, but FUCK he doesn’t get it. He won’t ever get it. And I guess I won’t ever get where he’s coming from either so the sooner I realise this, the sooner I’ll stop being completely and utterly annoyed each time he comes home and I want to throw the baby at him and he just wants a “moment”…like bitch you been at work ALL DAY – this means you’re day has been FULL of adult conversation and you got to actually complete things. Meanwhile I’m over here with half done things – the laundry, the washing, the vacuuming, my lunch. All HALF completed. Ps. I love you babe…

6months & balls deep into weekly meltdowns & pondering what my life used to be like & wondering if I’ll ever be able to watch a full series on Netflix without interruption ever again. I feel the answer to that question is a resounding NO. I sometimes long for my old life…is that bad…? It’s not that I want to give Jagger away…it’s just that I’d like to give him away for a day, or even an afternoon. Then I’ll feel guilty and want him back so chill out…which reminds me…

6months & balls deep into Mum Guilt. All day EVERY day. I could write a whole blog about Mum Guilt. I probably WILL write a whole blog about Mum Guilt so I won’t go on about it in this one. All I’ll say is this: fuck you Mum Guilt, you are the emotional equivalent to fingernails being run across a chalkboard…even the thought of you makes me shudder!

6months & balls deep into having my life completely revolve around someone else. What a shock to the system THAT was & STILL is. No more just “popping” out to grab lunch with a girlfriend…I need to think about nap times, feeds, to pram or not to pram…the list continues in my head like lyrics to a song I know.

6months & balls deep into being trapped under a sleeping baby. I’ve learnt my lesson – I will only sit down when all 4 TV remotes, my water bottle & my snacks are within reaching distance & my phone is on charge. Although I will say, being trapped underneath a sleeping baby has done wonders for my pee control…and when I say “wonders” I mean I haven’t gotten a UTI from holding on for hours on end yet so that’s a massive plus.

6months & balls deep into having days where I am absolutely 100% NOT ok.  Where I don’t know what to do or how to do things.  Where I feel absolutely lost & completely overwhelmed.  Where I feel like a failure.  Where I am utterly convinced I’m not cut out to be a Mum & I’m not good enough to be this babies “person.” I’ve cried some days more than Jagger, I’ve slowly undressed and sat in the bottom of the shower and stared blankly into space as I hug my knees to my chest & just try to breath.  I’ve felt that anxiety, that sinking feeling of this endless slog.  I’ve realised I need help.  I’ve realised it takes a village & that just because it takes a village doesn’t make me “less than” as a Mother or even as a human being.

And then I realise I am 6months & balls deep into feeling that unconditional, life altering, soul changing, all encompassing love that a mother has for her child. It’s only been half a year, but I can tell you right now, these feelings will last more than a lifetime, even when I’m gone, I know I will never ever leave him. Ever. He’s got me forever, forever times infinity plus 1.

The Peninsula Mumma