I get frustrated. I get overwhelmed. Sometimes I even think “was I ready for this…?” The answer is simple; I could never have been 100% ready for it. Nor could I ever have prepared myself for what being a Mum would entail. I look at my husband, who’s body hasn’t changed, who’s job hasn’t changed, who’s life could realistically go on just as it always has…I watch him have a shower (for as long as he wants) each day…I watch him walk out the door without having to double check if he has bibs, nappies, wipes, backup outfits, beanies, thin blankets, thick blankets, milk, nappy cream, breast pads, underwear liners & I get jealous…so jealous. I look out the window and see him get into the car & play his music as loud as he wants to or even the fact he can make some calls without a crying baby in the background. And you know, when he leaves Jagger is asleep & content but as soon as it’s just me & him he starts stirring so I’ve got to make the decision of – should I shower OR should I quickly have some breakfast? Which one is more important to me today? You know, I thought as a mother I’d be making these massive decisions like “where is my child going to go to school,” but the hardest decisions are the little ones I make daily. Can my hair go another day without being washed? Can I wear my high waisted undies inside out because I can’t find where the fuck another pair is? Do I have time to sit on the toilet and poo because I can’t hurry that up for fear of getting haemorrhoids. Those are the decisions I had no idea I would have to make on a daily basis.
Now, after saying all that, do I still love being a Mum? Abso-fucking-lutely. Is it always shits & giggles? No…well, there is a lot of shit AND when Jagger giggles it is the BEST sound I have ever heard. BUT – it’s not always glamorous, it’s not always fun & it’s certainly not always easy…Do I think I’m nailing it though? You know what, yes. Yes I do. Could I do it without the support I have around me? No, not at all. And do I think I’m perfect? Fuck no. But I look at the little human I carried for over 9months, I look at the little human I grew & come to think of it, who I’m actually STILL growing…and I can say, without a shadow of a doubt, that I’m fucking rocking motherhood like I didn’t think I would or could. That’s what we need more of. It’s not about being cocky, it’s not about thinking you’re better than anybody else because it’s not about comparing yourself to anyone else. It’s about looking in the mirror and acknowledging the hard work you’re doing. It’s about loving who you are & finding out that just because you are now a Mum doesn’t mean you are any less of the person you were before.
I also need to acknowledge the fact that I don’t know what my partner is going through just as he doesn’t know what I’m going through. He has to leave Jagger & I at home & go to work. He doesn’t get to see the smiles all day. He doesn’t get to be the one who settles Jagger better than anyone else & know that although its incredibly beautiful it is also incredibly draining . He doesn’t get to be the one that he looks for in a crowded room. He doesn’t get to spend as much time with Jagger as I do. That’s a sacrifice. One I don’t think I truly understand but I’m trying hard to.
I have to remember: I couldn’t do what I do without him, he couldn’t do what he does without me. It’s teamwork at its toughest. It’s being selfless. It’s realising that our relationship is now different & having to adjust to that. It’s knowing we both now love this little person in a way that we don’t love each other. It’s coming to terms with the fact that we have to work on our relationship more than ever because we are both tired, we are both stressed & we are both going through things that the other will never experience.
I love my husband. I do. I love him enough to be honest with him & to fight for him. I know he feels the same & I know he is proud of me. I know that because he tells me & hearing that makes such a difference. We are a team. We work together. This is really testing us but I know we are stronger together than we are a part. Plus, if I got rid of him who would mow the lawn coz lord knows I’ve never used a mower in my life.
The Peninsula Mumma.